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Who Doesn't Get Ten of These a Week?

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Who Doesn't Get Ten of These a Week?
Order of the Stick comic
Comic no. 631
Date published 13 February 2009
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"Shoot the Messenger" "My Three Fiends"
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Cast Edit

Qarr, Vaarsuvius.

Transcript Edit

Panel 1

Qarr: OK, what if we concentrate on finding the dragon AFTER it's left this plane of existence? To get your kids' souls back?
Vaarsuvius: Recent experiences have left me unconvinced that divinations are accurate enough to warrant doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING while my FAMILY DIES!

Panel 2

Vaarsuvius: Begone from here, imp! You are wasting precious time if you cannot give me what I require.
Vaarsuvius: (internal) Perhaps my books...
Qarr: Oh, right, because I can just wave my fairy wand and POOF, you can teleport. Sure, I'll get right on that, Mr. Elf, sir.

Panel 3

Vaarsuvius: Is that not what tempters of your ilk do? Provide those willing to bargain with any extranormal abilities they may require?
Qarr: a literal sell-your-soul sort of thing?

Panel 4

Vaarsuvius: YES! You are a devil, and I require power, NOW! Do you understand? I cannot fail again!!
Qarr: Whoa, buddy, I'm an imp. That sort of thing is way above my pay grade!

Panel 5

Vaarsuvius: Then what were you offering to me just a few minutes ago?
Qarr: I had some tips on using evil spell components that I was hoping to trade for helping me find some evil chalice that my supervisor won't shut up about.
Qarr: If I happened to nudge you towards doing some evil in the process, hey, bonus points for me.

Panel 6

Qarr: I mean, on honest-to-evilness Faustian Deal...I'd have to contact the home office.
Vaarsuvius: Then do it! Do what you must quickly, every moment we converse reduces my chances of success.

Panel 7

Qarr: Look, I'll put in a request for an application, but you have to understand that they only approve one or two of these things a century.
Qarr: I applied on behalf of Kubota eight times, and all I ever got back was a form letter.
Qarr: "We regret to inform you that your application on behalf of Daimyo Kubota of Azure City has been rejected due to insufficient projected returns on our initial investment."

Panel 8

Qarr: Now, it'll probably take them about an hour to get back to me with the paperwork.
Vaarsuvius: An hour?!? My adopted progeny will be long dead by then, imp!
Qarr: ...And it's probably a good time to mention that the application is 666 pages long.

Panel 9

Vaarsuvius: I cannot... I cannot believe this.
Vaarsuvius: Even if the dragon takes the time to gloat—which I fully expect—we may already be too—
Letter: POP!

Panel 10

Qarr: Huh. That's weird.
Vaarsuvius: What is that? Is that the application form?

Panel 11

Letter: IFCC. 9 Hells Plaza. Lower Planes 00999
Letter: You've been Pre-Approved!
Letter: An Exclusive Offer for:
Letter: Vaarsuvius / Tiny Island, Ocean / Mortal Plane 00001
Letter: NO interest! NO annual fee! NO fine print!

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