|“This never happens to jiminy cricket”|
|Order of the Stick comic|
|Date published||11 September 2009|
|View the comic|
Varsuvius is baited into arcane combat by an insulting wizard, while Blackwing gets distracted by shiny objects and fails to help V maintain composure.
- Vaarsuvius ◀ ▶
- Blackwing ◀ ▶
- Process Server ▶
- Process Server's Familiar ▶
- A Master Wizard
- His Apprentice
- A Wizard in a Green Mantle and Fez
- A Lizardfolk Wizard
- Panel 1
Vaarsuvius waits in line at a merchant selling spell components. A sign on the wall reads, "NO SPELLCASTING!"
Apprentice: Master, I talked the shopkeeper down to only 400 gp for the rubies!
Master: Great, but the spell calls for 500 gp worth, so go back in and buy more.
Wizard with toad: Hey! HEY! Elf! They said you grabbed the last of the diamond dust. I need that.
Vaarsuvius: Surely, the sting of this failure will spur you to arrive in a more timely fashion in all of your future endeavors.
- Panel 2
Process Server: I don't think you understand, apprentice. Whatever spell your master is casting isn't actually important. My spells are.
Vaarsuvius: I assure you, I am apprentice to none and my need for this item is far more urgent that any business you could have.
- Panel 3
Process Server: No, see, if you are denying ME, then you clearly don't have the mental faculties required to handle the really complex spells.
Process Server: Are you multiclass, maybe?
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me??
Process Server: There is no shame in dabbling.
- Panel 4
Vaarsuvius: I have held power about which even the mightiest archmage can do naught but write bad self-insertion fan fiction!
Vaarsuvius: Perhaps a demonstration would be—
Blackwing: No, don't!
- Panel 5
Blackwing: He's just trying to get a rise out of you. He's hoping you'll fly off the handle and cast a spell at him—
Blackwing: —and then we'll get kicked out of the shop before we can pay for the diamond dust.
Blackwing: You're smarter than that, V. Don't let your pride screw up the mission.
- Panel 6
Vaarsuvius: Yes, of course. Perhaps your magical prowess does outweigh my own, but we shall never know—as I intend to leave town today.
Vaarsuvius: With the entire jar of diamond dust in my possession, I may add.
- Panel 7
Process Server: You know, I think I was wrong. It's not that you're weak and incompetent, it's just that I think maybe you're not really a wizard.
Blackwing: Steady... you can do this, V.
Process Server: You could be a sorcerer. It would account for the dull glassy look in your beady little eyes.
- Panel 8
Process Server: No, that's still not right. Sorcerers can still manage to put one word in front of the other.
Process Server: I know! You must be—
- Panel 9
Process Server: —a warlock
Vaarsuvius: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?
Blackwing: V, don't! You need to keep your temper under—
- Panel 10
Blackwing: Wait a second, is that a bauble? I could use a shiny new bauble.
- Panel 11
Vaarsuvius: I Illustrate my area of expertise thusly: Quickened Lightning Bolt!
Blackwing: And it's on a dangly thing! I love dangly things! The lightning bolt knocks over the wizard, "ZZZAPP!"
D&D Context Edit
- The wizard and apprentice in the first panel parody the realities of the game mechanics surround spell components in D&D. The spells list the cost of their components when they are consumed by the spell. A strict DM might interpret that to mean that if a character were to acquire these materials at a lower cost due to good haggling skills, they would not be sufficient to cast the spell, but if these same materials were bought at a higher cost, they would be.
- Lightning Bolt does 1d6/level damage, to a maximum of 10d6.
- Quicken Spell causes the spell to be cast as a Swift Action, allowing a second action in the round. V likely uses this Feat because V's turn in the round had already been used up by talking.
- The title refers to the role of Jiminy Cricket in Disney's 1940 animated film Pinocchio. In the film Jiminy is appointed by the Blue Fairy to serve as Pinocchio's conscience, and attempts to keep Pinocchio out of trouble. In this strip, Blackwing plays a similar role for V, but unlike Jiminy Cricket, he is easily distracted by shiny objects, being a Raven.
- This is the first appearance of the Process Server and his toad Familiar.