|“Just the Facts, Ma'am”|
|Order of the Stick comic|
|Date published||15 July 2005|
|View the comic|
The paladin explains to the Order what she came for.
- Panel 1
Roy: Well there you go! Now that you know that none of us are Evil—
Miko: Actually, the halfling still—
Roy: that NONE of us are Evil, we can put this whole silly thing behind us and I can take you to dinner.
- Panel 2
Miko: But what of the tales I heard of your wicked exploits? More than one citizen reported acts of evil perpetrated by a fair-haired man matching the bard's description.
- Panel 3
Elan & Roy: Nale.
- Panel 4
Elan: That wasn't us. That was my brother Nale.
Elan: He's my evil twin, and leader of the Linear Guild, a band of evil counterparts that are each suspiciously similar to one of us.
- Panel 5
Miko: Wait—you are serious? That is your actual explanation? "My evil twin did it"?
Roy: Yeah, I know. I find it's best to not fight the madness.
- Panel 6
Roy: So hey! This is just a wacky case of mistaken identities. No harm, no foul.
Roy: I was thinking a little candlelit affair, just the two of us...
Miko: I am afraid not.
- Panel 7
Miko: You may not be strictly evil, and you may not be guilty of the ancillary crimes of which I was told by the populace, but you are still charged with crimes against existence.
- Panel 8
Miko: The Sapphire Guard has diviners who do not make mistakes on such things. My ability to gather intelligence may have been flawed, but their magic has indisputably indicated that it was the Order of the Stick, not the "Linear Guild".
Miko: Thus I am still obligated to enforce that charge and carry out my orders.
- Panel 9
Roy: What "crimes against existence"? We're not guilty of any crimes!
Haley: Right. Completely innocent.
Belkar: Never done anything wrong.
Vaarsuvius: Yes. None of us have ever tampered with the fundamental natural order when bored. That would be wrong.
- Panel 10
Miko: It matters not. Your guilt or innocence, in the absence of an Evil alignment, is not for me to determine. I am now to merely collect you and deliver you unto my Lord Shojo.
Roy: Can you at least tell us the charges? I think we deserve that much.
- Panel 11
Miko: There are no rules prohibiting such... very well.
Miko: You are charged with weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying the magical gate located in the Redmountain Hills.
- Panel 12
Elan: Yea, though I walk through the valley of Roy being really pissed, I shall fear no thwacking, for my lute and my banjo, they comfort me.
- Elan's last line is based on the 23rd Psalm.
- The title of the strip is reference to the Radio, TV, and film franchise Dragnet. While the phrase "Just the facts, ma'am" is considered a catchphrase of the series, it was never used on the show.