|“He Assumed It Was a Cholesterol Thing”|
|Order of the Stick comic|
|Date published||6 July 2016|
|View the comic|
Belkar prepares wooden stakes to do battle with vampires, but Andi has a better source of wood than the rails of the Mechane. Belkar's earlier efforts to prepare steaks to fight the vampires resulted in a lesson from the ship's cook on homophones.
- Panel 1
- Panel 2
Andi and Belkar on the deck of the Mechane. Belkar is cutting into the starboard rail with a dagger, "KNKTT! CRRRRT!"
Andromeda: What are you doing?!?
Belkar: I'm chopping up your ship, obviously. Why do people always ask me that?
- Panel 3
Andi: Well stop it! Do you have any idea how hard we worked to fix every last crack?
Belkar: No, I don't, because I don't care about you or your problems Who are you again?
Belkar continues to drive his dagger into the wood, "ZHNTCHA! ZHNTCHA!"
- Panel 4
Andi: I'm the head engineer here. This ship is my baby, and I'm not going to let some nobody little twerp hurt it!
Andi steals Belkar's dagger, "SWIPE!"
- Panel 5
Belkar: What the hell—? It's not even your boat! It belongs to, what's her name? The chick with the bandana.
Andi: No. It belongs to Julio. This here is just a temporary arrangement, where she's watching the rest of the crew for him while he's away.
- Panel 6
Andi: I guess he figured it would be good for her to get some experience or something, since she's just a kid.
Andi: But if he were actually retiring for real, I'd have more of a claim to this ship than she would
Andi: I've been fixing it for fifteen years, you know.
- Panel 7
Belkar: OK, I didn't suddenly start caring about you in the last three panels. All I need is a piece of wood.
Andi: Why, do you want to build a stepladder?
Belkar: Hilarious and original. Sure you're not head comedian here, too?
- Panel 8
Belkar: If we're going to be chasing down Count Chock-Full-O-Nuts and his Creepy Crew, I need to be in total vampire hunter mode.
Belkar: But holy water burns if I spill it and too much garlic messes with my sophisticated halfling palate, so I'm trying to get my hands on a few stakes I can drive through their hearts.
- Panel 9
Andi: Sounds good to me. I couldn't believe we let a vampire on board in the first place.
Andi: C'mon, I've got spare lumber in the hold that I use for patching. Take whatever you need.
Belkar: See, now that's a reasonable response. The first time I tried making stakes around here, it didn't work out so hot.
- Panel 10
Flashback to the Mechane's galley. Belkar is grilling steaks, while the ship's cook stands next to him with an expression that is not amused.
Belkar: No, you're a homophone!!
D&D Context Edit
- In D&D, as in popular folklore, vampires can be instantly killed by a stake through the heart, though in D&D the removal of the stake will restore them if the body is not destroyed. Simply trying to kill a vampire with weapon damage will result in the vampire assuming gaseous form and attempting to return to its coffin to regenerate.
- The homophones in question are "steak" and "stake". Belkar conflates "homophone" and "homophobe".
- The title pokes fun of Belkar thinking that vampires are killed by "a steak through the heart", i.e. that the manner of death would be a myocardial infarction due to atherosclerosis from the cholesterol and saturated fats in beef.