He Assumed It Was a Cholesterol Thing
Order of the Stick comic
Comic no. 1043
Date published 6 July 2016
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Belkar prepares wooden stakes to do battle with vampires, but Andi has a better source of wood than the rails of the Mechane. Belkar's earlier efforts to prepare steaks to fight the vampires resulted in a lesson from the ship's cook on homophones.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1

The Mechane speeds along through the mountains of the Dwarven Lands. Sounds can be heard from on deck, "TCHNK! KRRNCH!"

Panel 2

Andi and Belkar on the deck of the Mechane. Belkar is cutting into the starboard rail with a dagger, "KNKTT! CRRRRT!"
Andromeda: What are you doing?!?
Belkar: I'm chopping up your ship, obviously. Why do people always ask me that?

Panel 3

Andi: Well stop it! Do you have any idea how hard we worked to fix every last crack?
Belkar: No, I don't, because I don't care about you or your problems Who are you again?
Belkar continues to drive his dagger into the wood, "ZHNTCHA! ZHNTCHA!"

Panel 4

Andi: I'm the head engineer here. This ship is my baby, and I'm not going to let some nobody little twerp hurt it!
Andi steals Belkar's dagger, "SWIPE!"
Belkar: Hey!!

Panel 5

Belkar: What the hell—? It's not even your boat! It belongs to, what's her name? The chick with the bandana.
Andi: No. It belongs to Julio. This here is just a temporary arrangement, where she's watching the rest of the crew for him while he's away.

Panel 6

Andi: I guess he figured it would be good for her to get some experience or something, since she's just a kid.
Andi: But if he were actually retiring for real, I'd have more of a claim to this ship than she would
Andi: I've been fixing it for fifteen years, you know.

Panel 7

Belkar: OK, I didn't suddenly start caring about you in the last three panels. All I need is a piece of wood.
Andi: Why, do you want to build a stepladder?
Belkar: Hilarious and original. Sure you're not head comedian here, too?

Panel 8

Belkar: If we're going to be chasing down Count Chock-Full-O-Nuts and his Creepy Crew, I need to be in total vampire hunter mode.
Belkar: But holy water burns if I spill it and too much garlic messes with my sophisticated halfling palate, so I'm trying to get my hands on a few stakes I can drive through their hearts.

Panel 9

Andi: Sounds good to me. I couldn't believe we let a vampire on board in the first place.
Andi: C'mon, I've got spare lumber in the hold that I use for patching. Take whatever you need.
Belkar: See, now that's a reasonable response. The first time I tried making stakes around here, it didn't work out so hot.

Panel 10

Flashback to the Mechane's galley. Belkar is grilling steaks, while the ship's cook stands next to him with an expression that is not amused.
Belkar: No, you're a homophone!!

D&D Context Edit

  • In D&D, as in popular folklore, vampires can be instantly killed by a stake through the heart, though in D&D the removal of the stake will restore them if the body is not destroyed. Simply trying to kill a vampire with weapon damage will result in the vampire assuming gaseous form and attempting to return to its coffin to regenerate.

Trivia Edit

  • The homophones in question are "steak" and "stake". Belkar conflates "homophone" and "homophobe".
  • The title pokes fun of Belkar thinking that vampires are killed by "a steak through the heart", i.e. that the manner of death would be a myocardial infarction due to atherosclerosis from the cholesterol and saturated fats in beef.

External Links Edit

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