Dead Men Give No Speeches
Order of the Stick comic
Comic no. 704
Date published 21 February 2010
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Jirix talks about meeting the Dark One in the after life.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1, Page 1

MitD: Hey, if he's the Prime Minister, does that mean—
Redcloak: It does not mean that he is the minister in charge of prime rib, no.
MitD: Oh, Never mind, then.

Panel 2, Page 1

Jirix: Like most of you, I grew up in a village just a stone's throw from here—
Jirix: -and by "stone's throw", I mean, "one week of forced marching that-a-way."

Panel 3, Page 1

Flashback to Jirix's death in crayon-style.
Jirix (inset): And as our Supreme Leader alluded to, I was killed when elven wizards attacked the tower and a dangerous Azurite insurgent escaped in the chaos.
O-Chul kills Jirix, "splurnkth!"

Panel 4, Page 1

Jirix (inset): The next thing I knew, I found myself on a majestic iron plateau. Stretched before me stood an army, the like of which I had never seen.
Jirix (inset): Rank after rank of dead souls stood at attention—each soldier, a goblinoid that had died in loyal service to our people.
Jirix (inset): I even saw a guy I owed 20 gp—talk about awkward!
Hobgoblins: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Panel 5, Page 1

Jirix (inset): I realized this was my eternal reward—to serve in the great army of ancestors in otherworldly battles that mortals could scarcely comprehend.
Jirix (inset): I hurried to take my place.
Jirix (inset): But as I donned my armor, I heard a voice behind me. A voice like shadow and steel, that told me everything I needed to know about my place in this crazy world.
Jirix (inset): The voice said:
Dark one (off-panel): No.

Panel 6, Page 1

Jirix (inset): It was the violet form of the Dark one himself, our one and only god. He put his strong hand on my shoulder and said,
Dark one: Your time to join this army is not yet, Jirix. I have many battles for you yet in the world of mortals.
Dark one: They will be battles of trade and logistics, diplomacy and intrigue, but they will be battles nonetheless.
Dark one: Go now. My true prophet waits for you.
Jirix (inset): And then, I blacked out. When I awoke next, I was back here, looking up at the green face of our Supreme Leader.

Panel 1, Page 2

Jirix, now in present, in ordinary comic form on second page
Jirix: My friends, our god has given me a task.
Jirix: No, he's given us ALL a task. We are going to build this nation into the most prosperous, most secure country on the face of the planet.

Panel 2, Page 2

Jirix: And we are going to do it one brick at a time. It's not always going to be easy, but it's going to happen.
Jirix: Goblins WILL take their rightful place in this world!

Panel 3, Page 2

Jirix: Because I don't know about any of you, but I have no intention of getting back to that great army and getting stuck on latrine duty!
Hobgoblins: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jirix: OK, gang, hot dogs and cheeseburgers for everyone!

Panel 4, Page 2

Redcloak: A little much with the cornball jokes, don't you think
Jirix: A legitimate peacetime leader should seem relaxed. I figured it would help clarify the transition.
Redcloak: ...I suppose.

Panel 5, Page 2

Redcloak: Remember, once we find Xykon's phylactery, you'll be on your own. You can Send to me for advice, but I likely won't be able to return.
Jirix: Hey, I'm still happy Xykon is letting us stay here at all.

Panel 6, Page 2

Redcloak: The phrases "dead weight" and "unnecessary distraction" figured heavily in that decision.
Redcloak: The horde is too slow and too individually weak to be much use where we're going, and he finds the idea of leaving you to dance on the paladins' graves marginally more amusing than the idea of slaughtering all of you.

Panel 7, Page 2

Redcloak: But remember, we need to have all of these workers back searching the sewers well before Xykon returns from his "errand".
Jirix: Do you have any idea where he went?
Redcloak: No. And I think only you and I know that he's even gone.

Panel 8, Page 2

Redcloak: He does this sometimes. Disappears, only to return with some new trick.
Redcloak: With his phylactery missing, though, I don't expect him to be gone for long. Let the masses have their picnic, then find an excuse to cut it short.

Panel 9, Page 2

Redcloak: Listen, Jirix...that part of your speech about the Dark One...
Redcloak: Did that really happen?
Jirix: Absolutely. I may have left some stuff out, but yeah.
Redcloak: Such as?

Panel 10, Page 2

Jirix: Well I wasn't sure when was a good time to mention this, but he had a message for you. Regarding the Plan and all.
Redcloak: A message? For me? What was it.

Panel 11, Page 2

Jirix: "Don't screw this up."

Panel 12, Page 2

Redcloak: Well, as theological revelations go, I guess that's refreshingly direct.
Jirix: Then he added, "No pressure, though," which I thought was nice.

Trivia Edit

  • This is the fist appearance of the Dark One.
  • Hobgoblin Priest with Orange Symbol appears cut off in the first panel. This is his final appearance. He first appeared in #701.
  • This is one of three strips outside of The Crayons of Time which uses the crayon drawing style. The others are #644 and #991.

External Links Edit

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