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Calm, Orderly, and Efficient
Order of the Stick comic
OOTS0875
Comic no. 875
Date published 1 March 2013
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Round three of Durkon/Malack. Durkon searches for Malack who is roosting in a dark corridor. Durkon uses his knowledge of Malack to trick him into revealing his location. Two more spell slots are expended.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1

Durkon: OK, Durkon. No answer. Tha's OK. Ye can do this.
Durkon: Roof's too low ta use Thor's Might…an' I dinnae haf tha ten minutes 'twould take ta call the Deva.
Durkon: Which leaves me wit naught above 4th level…na good.

Panel 2

Durkon: I cannae wait 'im out forever…me Hold Person'll wear off, an' then I'll be fightin' 'im an' Belkar both.
Durkon: I need ta flush 'im out from 'is hidin' spot…Wha would Roy do?
Durkon: Och, I got it!

Panel 3

Durkon: Hey, Malack! I noticed ye ne'er suggested tha ye an' Tarquin an' tha rest o' tha Linear Guild retreat an' leave this place ta us.
Durkon: I'm guessin' it's 'cause ye know yer buddy'd ne'er agree ta givin' up tha prize on yer say-so, aye?
Durkon: Cure Light Wounds.

Panel 4

Durkon: So I was just wonderin'…wha's tha difference 'tween ye an' just 'nother zombie, marchin' along ta yer human master's orders?

Panel 5

Cut to Malack hanging upside down in a a dark corridor.
Malack: A futile effort to taunt me, Durkon. But out of respect for our friendship, I will answer.
Malack: The contrast is one of will. I willingly subordinate myself for a higher purpose.

Panel 6

Cut to Durkon. Malack continues to speak in the distance, Durkon in the foreground facing away from him.
Malack: My friendship with Tarquin and the others is, ultimately, a passing phase of my long existence.
Malack: They are all past the prime of their short lives; in 30 or 40 years, at most, I will inherit a unified continent for my god.

Panel 7

Cut back to Malack.
Malack: That is when my true work will begin. A thousand will be sacrificed to Nergal's glory each day in an orderly regime of destruction.
Malack: I'm thinking of developing some sort of special chamber by then to make the process more efficient than Tarquin's silly arena.

Panel 8

Cut to Durkon, Malack cannot be seen.
Durkon: So it's ye usin' Tarquin, 'stead o' the other way 'round?
Durkon: Divine Favor.
Durkon: Bet he wouldnae be happy ta hear ye say so.

Panel 9

Cut to Malack
Malack: Actually, we've discussed it at length. He's thrilled that what he builds now will endure past his death.
Malack: I did have to promise him an even bigger statue, though.

Panel 10

Malack: At any rate, your original query was moot. Living or dead, we are all of us marching to our orders—you no less than I, Durkon.
Malack: It does not matter whence those orders came, be it man or god. Our place is as an obedient slave to those who command us.
Malack: Through service, we are rewarded. That is the true natural order.
Malack: Only fools like Nale resist.
Durkon (off-panel): Mebbe—

Panel 11

Durkon charges Malack and smites him in the jaw with his Divinely Favored hammer, taking Malack to the ground. "WHAM!!"
Durkon: —but at least Nale keeps movin' around when 'e starts with tha pontificatin'!!

D&D Context Edit

  • Cure Light Wounds is a 1st level spell. It heals 1d8 hp + 1hp/level.
  • Divine Favor is a 1st level spell. It grants +1 to hit/damage for every three levels, max +3, which Durkon maxes out.

Trivia Edit

  • In the seventh panel, Malack's aside suggests he would like to create something like a Nazi gas chamber.

External Links Edit

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