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Hey, I Need to Sell Them Somehow
Order of the Stick comic
OOTS0580
Comic no. 580
Date published 1 August 2008
Comic chronology
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"What They Need is a Writ of Habeas Corpus" "A Sight for Sore Eyes"
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Grubwiggler puts in a complaint to the Thieves Guild and Rich puts in a plug for his prequel comic.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1

Grubwiggler: This is outrageous!
Bozzok: Now, now, Mr. Grubwiggler, calm down.
Crystal: Yeah, take a chill pill, Froggy-Man. No one yells at the boss like that and get to keep both lungs.

Panel 2

Grubwiggler: Bozzok, I pay your Thieves' Guild a ludicrous sum each month for your "protection" from theft, and yet I was robbed just an hour or so ago.
Bozzok: What was stolen?
Grubwiggler: 50,000 gp and some magic items. And a sylph whose body was mine.
Crystal: She must have been one ugly sylph.

Panel 3

Bozzok: Hank, are we liable for this?
Hank: He does have our Five-Star Protection contract, Boss. That includes lost item recovery.
Bozzok: Damn.

Panel 4

Bozzok: OK, we'll get right on this, Mr. Grubwiggler. We'll get your stuff back pronto, and I personally guarantee that Crystal here will have her dagger buried in the thief's throat by, say, next Monday.
Grubwiggler: Well, that's hardly reassuring, considering that it was one of YOUR thieves that did this!

Panel 5

Crystal: HEY! Our thieves are only allowed to steal from the people that our thieves are allowed to steal from!
Bozzok: My employee's circular logic not withstanding, she is correct. We do NOT steal from clients under our protection. Bad for business.
Hank: Plus, WAY too much paperwork.

Panel 6

Grubwiggler: I have evidence to the contrary. My assistant recognized the thief who robbed us twice before, about two years ago.
Grubwiggler: Don't you remember? That's how you... persuaded me... to accept your guild's protection in the first place.

Panel 7

Bozzok: That's not possible, those robberies were done by—
Bozzok: Wait, This thief, was she human, mid-20's, fair skin? With a longbow?
Bozzok: One strand of red hair out of her ponytail no matter which direction she's facing?
Grubwiggler: Yes, that's her!
Crystal: No way!

Panel 8

Bozzok pushes Grubwiggler out of the door.
Bozzok: Thank you very much, we'll get back to you.
Grubwiggler: But what about—
Bozzok: Thank you, come again!

Panel 9

Bozzok: Starshine is back in town.
Hank: Huh. I really thought that girl had a better Wisdom score than that.
Crystal: Do I get to kill her this time? Do I? Do I? Do I, please? Pretty please?

Panel 10

Bozzok: I was willing to not press the issue of her untimely resignation from our organization as long as she maintained her self-imposed exile from our dim city...
Bozzok: ...but if she's going to have the gall to come back here and commit thefts on my turf? And leave witnesses that can identify her?
Bozzok: Yeah, Crystal. You get to kill her this time.

Panel 11

Hank and Crystal read On The Origin Of PCs
Bozzok: How was that? Did I cover everything from our first appearance?
Hank: Let's see... you threatened to kill her if she left the guild... she left anyway to become an adventurer... yeah, I think you hit the highlights.
Hank: Though you did leave out what I consider to be some important context...
Crystal: Eww! Why would anyone want to watch Starshine take a bath?
Hank: ...Important sexy context.

D&D Context Edit

  • There is little to no evidence as to what Haley's Wisdom score actually is, based on D&D game mechanics which happen in the comic which would require high wisdom. Her other five stats can at least be bounded.

Trivia Edit

  • This is the first online appearance of Crystal, and Hank, as well as the first depiction of Bozzok. (He spoke but was not shown in the previous strip.) They had appeared previously in On The Origin Of PCs, as mentioned by Bozzok.
  • The title acknowledges that the appearance of On the Origin of PCs in the comic is a shameless plug for people to buy the work, which is entirely composed of strips which do not appear in the publicly available web comic, and is totally worth buying.

External Links Edit

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